Firsts…

I was talking with a client today about their divorce, and the topic of doing things on your own for the first time after a divorce came up. Almost anyone who has been divorced can tell you stories about some of their “firsts” that they had to do or figure out on their own once they separated from their spouse. For those who are leaving a long time marriage, there are often many, many firsts that they will experience. For some it may be the first time living alone, owning a house, paying the bills, or even figuring out what to do when something breaks in the house.

And for some this comes with a feeling of shame, as if they “should have” known how to do all of these things all along. But, as anyone who’s been married for a long time (especially with kids) can tell you…marriage and parenting is often a divide-and-conquer process. When I was married, my husband paid all of the bills, but yet he didn’t know what prescriptions our kids took – I did. We each had our roles.

While it can be upsetting when you’re faced with some of these firsts (I still remember trying to change a lightbulb on my basement stairs by myself without ending up in the emergency room!), once you’ve gotten through these firsts, there is indeed a sense of accomplishment.

And the firsts can be liberating as well. Purchasing a house on your own where you don’t have to worry about anyone else’s criteria other than your own can be exciting. Being the sole decision-maker on improvements or even what to have for dinner tonight can bring relief, especially if you’re coming out of a marriage that involved a lot of conflicts.

And let’s not forget the first relationships you might experience after a marriage that wasn’t what you thought it would be when you started it. They can be scary, but they can also make you happy in ways you didn’t believe possible.

So…take a deep breath and dip your toe into a “first” and let me know how it felt. I’m here to cheer you on – every step of the way!