Where Your Support Comes From

When you find yourself facing a divorce (whether by your own doing or not), having a support system is critical. Some of those people, like parents or siblings, are fairly obvious. The level and type of support they can offer, though, may be determined by their own life experiences.

Have they ever been divorced? Were they a child of divorce? The answers to these questions can shed a lot of light on how helpful their support may be during your time of need. That’s not to say that a parent or sibling who’s never experienced divorced can’t be supportive…but it’s sort of like the difference between “sympathy” and “empathy”. They can feel terrible for the experience you’re going through…but they can’t really put themself in your shoes – because they’ve never had to. Even an adult who was a child of divorce will have a different experience than you, the grown divorcée, will find yourself in. Their memories of it will be how it affected them as children, without the full knowledge of what was happening between the adults at the time.

Friends are another group that you will come to realize offers different levels of support. Some that have been through it in their own lives may take you under their wing and look for ways to support you based on what their needs were at the time. Others, surprisingly, share little about their own experience and leave you to stumble through it on your own. Even friends who haven’t walked in those shoes will react in various ways to the news.

I had friends, that weren’t whom I considered among the closest of my connections, step forward to declare that they were on my “team” and didn’t hesitate to make that known to whoever asked. There were even acquaintances who hadn’t really known my ex-spouse at all who rallied in support of my efforts (and ability) to create a new life for myself.

And you will also find that there are still others that are all in with the support…until they’re not. For some, the “unconditional support” has an expiration date, and once that passes, they excuse themselves from the position and are no longer a safe place to land.

In the beginning, you will tell your story to anyone that will listen and seek support from anyone who shows a hint of interest. In time, you will learn that only some (as one of my favorite’s, Brené Brown, will say) have “earned the right to your story”. 

For many, a divorce coach can fill in the gaps that are left when you’re looking for support through the process. Providing an empathetic and compassionate ear, they are interested in your story AND want to hold your hand through the process. Whether it’s logistical/organizational help you need to learn to make your way through the divorce, or a friendly space to process the emotional results of this life-altering process…your story will always be safe with me.