Anniversaries

Anniversaries are especially hard when you’re getting divorced. In reality, any “special” date that you and your spouse would remember becomes a painful reminder of what has changed, when it shows up on the calendar. Those thoughts diminish over time…but that takes a while, and they usually cause you to at least stop for a moment and reflect when you realize what day it is.

My separation was already in progress during my twentieth wedding anniversary. It didn’t feel right to ignore it, but then again, it also felt insincere to “celebrate” the date of a marriage that was ending.

We ended up going out for an awkward dinner together and it was probably one of the last civil meals we ever had together, but it certainly didn’t feel celebratory. Even now, all of these years later…I can visualize not only the restaurant – but where we sat, and the whole painful evening.

Other “anniversaries” go without any acknowledgment or fanfare….but there’s always something about that day that has you feeling out of sorts a bit. Whether it be the anniversary of your first date, the date one of you proposed, or even the birth of a child. Your life has become very different than it was when you experienced those occasions.

I remember texting my ex-husband on the date we had learned that we were pregnant with our first child. Why did I text him? Who knows…it was still a sweet memory in my head, and there was no one else who experienced it other than us. What happened? My text was met with radio silence, and he never responded at all. And the lesson that I learned was that sometimes your memories will be just that….yours and yours alone.

So what do you do with all of these memories, and your sadness or your reflection on dates that no longer need to be circled on your calendar?

You honor them if that feels right to you. Allow yourself five minutes to reminisce or write yourself a letter with all of your feelings about that day. Or just close your eyes and take a deep breath and give yourself permission to “feel all the feels” as they say.

And if you’d rather not focus on those days you used to celebrate, then give yourself permission to not! Plan something to keep yourself busy on those days…a mani-pedi, dinner with a friend, or even get out of town for the day if being in the same place is too difficult.

I promise that as the years go by, those days will hurt less and less. Focus on creating new “anniversaries” to look forward to and new memories that will make you smile.