When Your Divorce Goes “Public”
At some point in the process of your divorce, your friends and acquaintances will hear about it. For anyone that’s bothered by the idea of others talking about them, this is especially difficult. It’s bad enough that you have to go through one of the most painful experiences you may have ever dealt with…on top of it, your situation becomes the discussion of dinner parties and “friendly” gossip.
While there’s no way to prevent this from happening (especially if you live in a tight-knit community where you’re likely to run into people you know on a weekly basis), at least being aware that it’s another piece to prepare yourself for may prevent it from catching you off guard when it happens.
The biggest part of this is to try and recognize it for what it is…ignorant curiosity. Similar to rubbernecking at the scene of an accident, or always wanting to know the cause of someone’s death….people are innately curious. They are also using that information as an internal “self-check” with their own situation, to see how it compares. It’s all part of our inborn survival instinct.
People tend to view divorce as “contagious”…and they want to make sure they don’t catch it from you. So, they rationalize their curiosity and feel that if they can only determine the “cause”…they can either file it away as something they don’t need to be worried about….or they mentally re-examine their own relationship and decide if they should be concerned.
This is why people always want to know whose fault the divorce was. Did someone cheat? Lie? Have an (insert addiction here) problem?
Not only does this help them rationalize this “news” that they have learned, but if they are friends with both spouses, this is sometimes when friends decide whose team they are going to be on moving forward. That’s another bitter pill to swallow.
It is fairly common to lose friends during/after a divorce. Sometimes they came into the relationship as a prior friend of one spouse, and their loyalties are obvious. Other times they decide to “choose” a side…and which side they choose may surprise you. It is not a given that friends will always side with the spouse who was left/cheated on/abused in the marriage. Sometimes friends will rationalize an ex’s behavior for one reason or another.
There are also friends who will refuse to choose, and will insist on including both of you at events and outings…which might be ok if the marriage ends on an amicable note. BUT…the reality is that most do not. Soo…you are then faced with the choice of whether to fight for that friendship or back away and let your former spouse keep that “possession”. People who’ve never been through a divorce can’t truly understand the emotional toll that all of this takes.
That goes to my last piece of advice. And, I’m going to borrow the words from one of my favorites, Brené Brown. When you do decide to talk to your friends about your impending divorce, and all of the emotional baggage that goes with it, make sure they have “earned the right to your story”. What exactly does that mean?
It means that as tempting as it may be to seek emotional support from anyone and everyone who reaches out to you when they hear this news, not all of them will be “safe” places for your story to land. You deserve listeners who will validate your feelings and support you in whatever ways you need support. Not everyone is equipped and/or prepared to do this. Doing some internal reflection on what your prior experiences have been with this person, prior to sharing, may save you some grief in the long run.
When in doubt, ask yourself “have they earned the right…?” Your grieving soul will thank you.